Life has never been extinguished. Life is always burning somewhere. I want to put out my life as well. I want to set fire to my life. I want to burn down my life. I want to destroy it. I want to erase it. That is how I want to end my life.
I want to erase my life like a single picture in a book. Like a single picture in a book, I want to tear out my life, page by page, until there is nothing left but blank paper. I want to tear out my life, page by page until there is nothing left but blank paper and white pages. When there is nothing left but blank paper and white pages, I will be able to write a new book. A new book with a new story and new characters. I will be able to write a new story with new characters on the blank pages.
I have a single picture in my head of the person that I will become when I begin writing the new story.
I sat down on the chair. The armrest was like a dead tree branch. I am not anybody. I could not feel my legs. The film unrolled before me. I had to close my eyes, I could not look at the screen. I had to scream.
The movie started playing. The black creature was kissing the white girl, then the white girl was running, she was running away from the black creature. The black creature was laughing and he was running after her. The white girl was running faster and faster. I think she is going to fall over the cliff because she is running so fast. I could not stand it, it was too loud, I had to scream.
The black creature caught the white girl, he put his hand on her mouth, he put his hand on her mouth so she could not scream, he put his hand on her mouth and he was kissing her on the lips and he was dragging her into the cave. I had to get out of there, I could not stand it, it was too loud, I had to scream.
I leaned my head against the wall. I sensed the smell of the earth, like a memory. I remembered a cave, my refuge as a child. I was sitting on the ground, leaning against the wall, staring at the sky.
"My boy," my father said to me from above. "I know everything you see and hear, inside and outside, came from here." He touched his head and then he touched mine. "It is the only way for you to survive."
I wanted to ask him more questions but he was gone. I was left alone in the dark. I was afraid again, so I closed my eyes. When I opened them, the sky was filled with stars. I understood there was no darkness behind the wall. My father was right. I had to be there to be invisible.
She was sitting next to me. Her face looked pale in the light of the screen. She leaned closer to me and asked, "What are you doing here?"
"I was waiting for you," I whispered. She put her arm around me. I felt her body against mine. The coldness of her skin penetrated through my clothes and touched my skin. It didn't feel like touch at all.